Walk of Shame or Walk of Pride?

We’ve all done it. The one-night stand. The fuck buddy. It’s always fun at the time, but waking up after a night of alcohol-fueled revelry in some random apartment without any of your accoutrements is hardly conducive to starting off the day on a good foot.

There had to be a solution for this.

It’s only called the “Walk of Shame” because you look like crap the next day, and everyone knows it.  But what if you’re not ashamed? I sure as hell wasn’t. Tommy was really hot. I’m proud of my conquests. I just don’t want to look like dog poo the next day. So I decided the solution is a “Morning After Kit”. The best part is any woman can make one and I’m going to show you how.

First and foremost, you will need something to hold your kit. I recommend the Alexander McQueen skull cosmetic bag. It’s super cute and it’s the perfect size to hold everything you require. And with McQueen’s untimely passing, you’ll be holding a relic of sorts. Plus I’m sure he would approve of its forthcoming usage.

This might not be the first thing that comes to mind, but you’ll definitely need a non-applicator tampon. You might decide to do it the night before your period, in which case you must have protection on hand. Or if you’re anything like me, you just plum forgot you were about to ride the crimson wave.

Which brings me to ibuprofen. Whether your girlie parts are cramping or you have a raging headache from last night, (and if you had a one-night stand you probably do), you’ll undoubtedly crave something to quell the pain. So get yourself one of those travel size ibuprofen packets from the pharmacy and stick it in your skull bag.

Next up you’ll want to get clean. Although he most likely has a bathroom, if you’re looking to make a stealthy exit, you might not want to wake him up with the sound of running water. Squirt on some anti-bacterial gel and clean off your hands on the DL. As for your mouth, even if you don’t ever want to see him again, you might still want to freshen your breath. After all, you never know who you’ll meet on the way home. Get yourself a disposable toothbrush like Dentaburst. This nifty little glove fits on your finger and has a sort of dried toothpaste that reacts with your saliva to freshen your breath and clean plaque. If you’re too lazy to do that, just pack some cinnamon gum. It has more bacteria fighting powers than mint flavors[1].

After you’ve brushed your teeth, take a look in the mirror. Chances are you look like you were run over by a steam roller. So make sure you pack your pressed powder compact and some blotting sheets to clean that grease, (and whatever else), off your face.  Once you’ve done that, you’re going to need some Benetint. This transparent rose-colored liquid is the answer to all your lackluster skin problems. It does double duty as a cheek and lip stain. Kind of like a reversible jacket. Swipe it on your cheeks for a healthy glow and over your lips for a little color and to cover the fact that they’re raw from making out last night.

Before heading out, you’ll need to hide any telltale eye makeup smudges from other people’s prying glances. Foldable sunglasses are the perfect solution. They’re compact, yet still get the job done and Ray-Ban just so happens to make many a pair. While they’re not exactly the cutest, they’ll get the job done.

Now you’ve got the fundamentals down, contact lens drops and extra lenses, (if you wear contacts, of course), and the morning-after pill. Just in case.

If the sex was exceedingly horrendous, (and I sure hope not!), you might decide to skip out before morning. In this case, you’ll require a small flashlight pen. This way you’ll be able to see your way out and he’ll be none the wiser.  And lastly pack a sticky note pad so you can write him a nice thank you note with your flashlight pen. After all, you’re still a lady.

 

[1] Albert, Sarah. “Change Your Breath From Bad to Good.” WebMd.


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