"Your hair it's everywhere! Screaming infidelities!" That's me singing that Dashboard Confessional song "Screaming Infidelities". At the top of my lungs. Besides being a reminder of what a cheating ho bag someone is, hair can also tell a lot about someone's sex life.
Hair is more than just a bunch of gross dead skin cells coming out of your head – it’s a form of self-expression. If your hair is on point (or on fleek as the case may be), it doesn’t matter what else is going on. That’s why it’s really important to know what your hair is saying about you. Not only does your hairstyle give people a peek into your personality, but it also tells everyone how you like to do the deed. Is someone with Beyonce-like lustrous waves the same in bed as a chick with a short pink mohawk? Me thinks not. Do you prefer to hang out at Rockaway Beach or the Jersey Shore? Are you more Taylor Swift or Faith Hill? Are you straight up missionary (nothing wrong with vanilla!) or a wild woman in a sex swing? Big diff people. Big diff. I have even noticed my sex personality changing in accordance with my hair styles. Also I have to say is watch out when summer rolls around and my normally wavy-ish hair goes full on poodle. So without further ado, here’s what your hair says about your sex life.
Long straight haired gals are the dark horses of hair styles. Though they may look innocent and sweet, when the lights go down their inner stripper comes out. Straighties want everything to be impeccable. Fragrant candles, dim lighting, rose petals for special occasions, and a thoughtfully curated the perfect Spotify sexy-time playlist. Unfortunately they don’t always remember to switch to private session.
If one is too damn lazy to do their hair, they’re bound to be lazy between the sheets (which they never wash). Buns are the missionary of hair styles. After all it's much easier for the guy to get on top and set the pace. Bun girls usually done in 5 minutes (10 minutes tops) but everyone gets off.
And by unconventional I mean a mohawk, anything green, blue, or purple (pink doesn't count, sorry) or anything the chick from Die Antword sports. These women have sexual fetishes that make 50 Shades of Grey look like child's play. Nothing is off limits to these Vasco de Gamas of sex. You may even a day of recovery after. Soldier on ladies!
Pixie cut/ Lob
Yes I'm putting these into the same category. Because they are sides of the same coin. They are precise and meticulous and may be a bit critical. So if you don't hit the right spots they may give you the boot. Forget about sex on the beach because these gals do not want sand in their hoohas.
Curly hair or straight hair with curls
Ladies with curly hair love being the star of the show so any position where they can really shine; like girl-on-the-top or doggy style. Or anything in front of a mirror. They love the drama that comes with being a star which means you can be counted on for screwing like a porn star complete with loud moans. Also known for back scratching.
Wavy hair girls are emotional and nurturing like puppies or nurses. They don't just bang, they make love. Spooning or eye-to-eye missionary is your go to. They may even whisper sweet-nothings into their partner's ear with your hot steamy breathe. No dirty talk here. She has a gorgeous collection of La Perla lingerie and is an expert on transitioning between positions with the grace of a deer.