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Sometimes ‘thinking of you’ needs a little less Hallmark and a little more honesty.
The You Are Someone's Reason to Masturbate Funny Sympathy Card is a funny sympathy card for friends and loved ones going through a hard time who appreciate dark humor. Send it when you want to show up without pretending there is a perfect thing to say.
A sympathy card for people who find comfort in honesty and a well-timed laugh.
Design Note: Some cards feature intentionally distressed typography for a deliberately "worn" aesthetic - this rustic style is purposeful, not a printing error. Please review product images carefully before ordering.
Colors: Actual colors may look slightly different in person than on your screen.
*Items that ship separately take 2-7 business days to ship.
Shipping & Processing
When will my order ship?
Orders typically ship within 1–4 business days. From November through February, please allow 1–6 business days. Items marked as shipping separately take 2–7 business days to ship.
How long does delivery take?
Standard delivery typically takes another 2–5 business days after shipment. Carrier delays can happen, so arrival dates aren’t guaranteed.
Need it sooner?
Eligible orders with expedited shipping ship by the next business day. Transit time begins after the carrier receives your package. Items that ship separately aren’t eligible for expedited processing.
What does shipping cost?
Shipping options and prices appear at checkout. US orders of $40 or more qualify for free shipping.
Ordering a card?
Cards ship in protective rigid mailers to help prevent bending.
• 50% pre-shrunk cotton, 50% polyester
Heather Sport Dark Navy is 40% cotton, 60% polyester
• Fabric weight: 8.0 oz/yd² (271.25 g/m²)
• Air-jet spun yarn with a soft feel and reduced pilling
• Double-lined hood with matching drawcord
• Quarter-turned body to avoid crease down the middle
• 1 × 1 athletic rib-knit cuffs and waistband with spandex
• Front pouch pocket
• Double-needle stitched collar, shoulders, armholes, cuffs, and hem
