You bought the card. You have a pen. Then suddenly your brain can produce only two phrases: “Merry Christmas” and “Hope you have a great holiday.”
You can do better without writing a heartfelt essay that sounds nothing like you.
Funny Christmas card messages for friends
- Merry Christmas. Thanks for enabling me all year.
- May your holiday be merry and your family questions be limited.
- Another year of friendship despite overwhelming evidence against us.
- Hope Santa brings you better judgment. Or at least better presents.
- Festive on the outside. Barely holding it together on the inside.
That last one pairs naturally with the Festive on the Outside, Feral on the Inside Funny Christmas Card.
For the friend who likes it filthy
If your relationship already includes inappropriate jokes, you do not need to become tasteful just because there is a tree involved. The Merry Fucking Christmas Card requires very little additional explanation. You can simply add, “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
The Back Door Rear Entry Santa Card is another option for a recipient whose sense of humor can survive opening the mail.
For a partner
Keep it warm without becoming a greeting-card commercial. Try “You are still my favorite thing to unwrap,” which works nicely with the Favorite Thing to Unwrap Is You Christmas Card. Or write one specific thing you loved doing together this year and end with a joke only the two of you understand.
For family
Family Christmas cards can be funny without causing a December incident. Use a shared tradition, a family habit, or a joke everyone is already in on. “Looking forward to eating too much and pretending we are not tired of each other” is safer than unveiling new material about someone’s divorce at the dinner table.
The easiest formula
Write one sentence that sounds like you, mention one thing specific to the recipient, and stop before you start sounding like a holiday newsletter. The point is not to create literature. It is to make the person opening the card hear your voice.
If you still need the actual gift, our guide to funny Christmas gifts for people with an inappropriate sense of humor can take it from there.